President Barack Obama has no shortage of love for... President Barack Obama.
In a message to the American people that, for all intents and purposes reads like a love letter to himself, the president hung a giant “Mission Accomplished” on his time in office.
Grab a hot cup of cocoa, some footie pajamas, and let's gather round the fire as President Obama tells us how great the last eight years have been for 'Merica.
You ready, Pajama Boy?
Alright, let's begin.
“[I]n the depths of that winter, on January 20, 2009, I stood before you and swore a sacred oath. I told you that day that the challenges we faced would not be met easily or in a short span of time — but they would be met. And after eight busy years, we've met them — because of you.”
Somebody hit the lights and cue a little mood music. It's getting romantic up in here.
Eight years later, an economy that was shrinking at more than eight percent is now growing at more than three percent. Businesses that were bleeding jobs unleashed the longest streak of job creation on record. The auto industry has roared its way back, saving one million jobs across the country and fueling a manufacturing sector that, after a decade of decline, has added new jobs for the first time since the 1990s. And wages have grown faster over the past few years than at any time in the past forty.
Now, whisper some sweet nothings into our ears, like that wonderful ObamaCare you've been talking about...
Today, thanks to the Affordable Care Act, another 20 million American adults know the financial security and peace of mind that comes with health insurance. Another three million children have gained health insurance. For the first time ever, more than ninety percent of Americans are insured — the highest rate ever. We’ve seen the slowest growth in the price of health care in fifty years, along with improvements in patient safety that have prevented an estimated 87,000 deaths.
Mmm, who cares that everybody knows health insurance premiums and rates have gone up for everyone except those on state and federal subsidies? We want to know more about you, Barack.
Every American with insurance is covered by the strongest set of consumer protections in history — a true Patients’ Bill of Rights — and free from the fear that illness or accident will derail your dreams, because America is now a place where discrimination against preexisting conditions is a relic of the past. And the new health insurance marketplace means that if you lose your job, change your job, or start that new business, you’ll finally be able to purchase quality, affordable care and the security and peace of mind that comes with it — and that’s one reason why entrepreneurship is growing for the second straight year.
Obama, your inability to sugarcoat things never ceases to amaze. Please, take it easy on yourself, sometimes.
Add it all up, and last year, the poverty rate fell at the fastest rate in almost fifty years while the median household income grew at the fastest rate on record. And we’ve done it all while cutting our deficits by nearly two-thirds even as we protected investments that grow the middle class.
There is no one quite like you, President Obama, who can make fact-checkers throw up their hands and just want to give you a big hug.
But a little cherry-picking and you look like the awesomest president ever! Obama concluded his love letter to himself as such:
Recently, I asked each member of my talented and dedicated Cabinet to prepare a detailed report on the progress we’ve made across the board these past eight years, and the work that remains to make this country we love even stronger. Today, I’m sharing them with you. And I hope you’ll share them with others, and do your part to build on the progress we’ve made across the board.
It has been the privilege of my life to serve as your President. And as I prepare to pass the baton and do my part as a private citizen, I’m proud to say that we have laid a new foundation for America. A new future is ours to write. And I’m as confident as ever that it will be led by the United States of America — and that our best days are still ahead.
The entire letter is a wonder to behold. It reads like the USA is at its greatest point in its history, when more Americans were dissatisfied with the state of the country under the Obama presidency than at any time since 1992.
We're going to miss you, Barack. We love you. But obviously, not as much as you love yourself.
Since you're on your way out of office, we're finally going to give you what you want.