In September 2016, fashion blogger Leandra Medine learned she was pregnant.
According to her piece entitled “The Baby I Lost, the Person I’m Finding,” which she shared on her blog, “Man Repeller," Medine underwent several IVF treatments, all the while thinking "that it [the IVF process] would not be my path.”
Eventually, feeling “depressed and defeated,” Medine decided to stop seeing her IVF doctor for the summer and consider how she wanted to move forward in the process. In September, when she began seeing a new doctor, she found out she was pregnant.
Medine writes about the elation she felt:
“I had become pregnant naturally. It felt f*****g awesome.”
But at fourteen weeks, she lost the baby. She admits that the pain was greater than any she'd experienced before:
"It felt impossible to deal with emotionally, but even harder to try and suppress, which I so wanted to...
I had gone from pregnant to regular again in a cruel, brutal flash."
The following weeks were, understandably, difficult. Often times not wanting to get out of bed, she constantly asked herself, “Why?”
Thankfully, Medine had her husband and mother to lean on. Her husband, she writes, had shown an “unwavering commitment to making [her] smile” and her mother had taken off of work to spend days consoling her.
On Deccember 6th, she says she woke up feeling “hopeful.” She knew there was one important person— the person who had bore the brunt of her self-loathing — that she needed to apologize to: Herself. She writes:
“I looked into the mirror and apologized, first for saying such nasty things. I thanked my body for recovering. I told us that it’s okay to be sad. That we would get through this, that we’re strong. I tried to give myself the advice that I would give to my own daughter. Or to my best friend. I congratulated my body for getting pregnant on its own. I commended it for holding a baby for 14 weeks. I assured it that together, we would hold another. Several others! Those times for much longer. I ran my fingers through my hair and I said 'I love you.'”
In that moment she realized the importance of self-love, and the necessity to not blame tragedies such as these on oneself.
Medine admits in her essay that she is still picking up the pieces, but that time is healing her. She writes:
“I’m still pretty broken. In some moments I’m strong and can almost feel a tiny finger tip clutching at my shoulder. In other moments, I am so weak that the best I can do is cancel every event on my calendar, hug my knees into my chest and close my eyes. But I’m also confident that with time — the greatest healer we know and have — the weak moments will get smaller and shorter. That when I say we’ll have our baby, no matter what it takes, I’ll genuinely believe it.”
In the meantime, she expresses the importance of taking care of yourself— of not beating yourself up when things don't go the way you've planned.
“You will have whatever you want,” she says. “Just take care of yourself.”