Monika Lewinsky is sharing details of her affair with former President Bill Clinton while he was in the White House and how that relationship led to “slow emotional unraveling” and “guilt.”
In “The Clinton Affair” docu-series, Lewinsky goes in-depth about events that led to the affair, during the affair, and what happened after, including the events that led to the former president’s impeachment on December 19, 1998, A&E shared with Fox News.
Lewinsky reflects in the documentary about how she still feels “uncomfortable” discussing what had occurred.
“I think it meant more to me that someone who other people desired had desired me. However wrong it was. However misguided. For who I was at that very moment at 22-years-old, that’s how I felt.”
Lewinsky reflected on being the new White House intern in July 1995, 21-years-old at the time, hearing from other interns about “how handsome he was” and how she didn’t agree until the “first time I was really in his presence.”
“I was struck in a way that he had this ability to hold everybody that was there … Everybody is sort of starry-eyed in his presence. I kind of have to laugh at my younger self. But that was when my crush started.”
She also shared that they had “flirtatious encounters,” confessing that she had a crush on Clinton, and they went into a back room and he asked if he could kiss her. “Intimate encounters” took place in his “private personal office,” eventually resulting in the two seeing each other “almost weekly.”
Although seeing each other often, Lewinsky explained that things were in his control with how often they’d speak.
“If he called me, I couldn’t call him back. I was completely at his mercy in that way. But it’s really sad to me when I look back on it.”
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She thought she “would never see Bill again” when she was transferred to the Pentagon, however, their relationship was “ongoing” — with Clinton promising to transfer her back to the White House if he won the election.
“I felt so deflated and so desperate,” Lewinsky shared of her emotional roller coaster waiting for Clinton to keep his promise, “I just broke emotionally.”
She later revealed how she received mix messages from Clinton — still waiting for a job back at the White House, Clinton wanted to end the relationship in May 1997 “because he was struggling to step outside his marriage and leading a secret life.”
Then, she wrote a letter to Clinton in July of 1997, addressing him as “handsome,” explaining that she would tell her parents about why she would be leaving a well-paying job — Clinton responded to the letter by being “angry” with her when he saw her on July 4.
Lewinsky explained that Clinton “started yelling at me” that “‘it is illegal to threaten the president of the United States of America.'”
“He was so angry. And I started to cry. I never threatened to go public. I threatened to tell my parents. He immediately softened and he was affectionate … It was a roller coaster of a relationship [that] led to a slow emotional unraveling on my part.”
Lewinsky was then, in January 1998, confronted by FBI agents and waited for Office of the Independent Counsel prosecutors to go over taped conversations between Lewinsky and Clinton.
“I felt so much guilt,” Lewinsky said in the documentary.
“And I was terrified. There was a point for me … where I would be hysterically crying and then I would just shut down. And in the shut-down period, I remember looking out the window and thinking that the only way to fix this was to kill myself … I was scared.”
“I was mortified and afraid of what this was going to do to my family,” Lewinsky continued. “And I still was in love with Bill at the time. So I felt really responsible.”
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky,” Clinton said during a speech — which led Lewinsky to grieve over being seen as only “that woman.”
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While Lewinsky, her parents, those close to the Clinton family, and others appear in the six-part docuseries, the Clinton’s are not a part of it — although they are aware of it.
Watch “The Clinton Affair” trailer below:
The docuseries is set to premiere on November 18 on A&E.