There Already Is A Third Party. We Can Call Them the 'New Democrats'

| OCT 19, 2015 | 1:50 PM
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I heard Hillary Clinton singing her karaoke song, “It’s My Party And I’ll Lie If I Want To” last week and it reinforced an opinion I’ve held since the last presidential election. We already have three parties. Republicans and Classic Democrats now form the Republican Party.

But there’s already a Third Party in America, the New Democrats. I’d like to outline some of the creakier planks in its rather outre’ platform.

First, no border. No border! Just think about that. What has traditionally been thought of as the preeminent country on the planet (and certainly still rates the medal stand…I think…OK, at least tied for Bronze) now perceives the border to be racist. I know! I know! We frame selfies, we plant hedges in our backyards, the friskier among us even have to sign some form of moniker on the desk blotter at a bad motel if a nooner with a co-worker is the order of the day. But no registering at our border because that of course is racist.

I believe the Third Party, truth be told, is secretly incredulous that they’re able to pull this one off, but make no mistake, they’ll take it…oh, they’ll take it.

Secondly, a balanced budget is thought to be heresy. Does that not amaze/terrify? All you have to do is say the words “I don’t think we should spend anymore than we take in” and you’re pronounced daft or greedy.

Even people who would preach the above mantra to their most prized gift, their children, don’t feel they should translate it to their country. Imagine taking your teenager aside and saying “I love you completely, so here is how I want you to approach your life. Run up an insane amount of debt and if anyone ever asks for a payment on their part of that debt, use any tool at your disposal to infer that they are the problem for parroting the madness of living within your means.” Would anyone who truly loved their kids give that advice?

Third, we’re currently in a more trusting relationship with Iran than Israel, and the Third Party has put us there. Many of our new BFFs have a Twitter profile that includes “Death To America.” We’re now in a maddening 10 year saunter to a nuclear Iran. It sounds crazy as I type it! Iran! You see the stock footage of their nuclear plant where they’re all dipping the ladle into the fissionable Macbeth cauldron, like they’re working in the window of a micro brewery in a college town…tattered poster on the wall behind them that reads “Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey”…we’re going to allow them to get the bomb!

I wouldn’t want to let them get the bomb for mere competency considerations. When you mix in the tidbit that they believe a Pathway to Eternal Citizenship includes the liquidation of our friend Israel, it’s criminal that we’re going down this Cormac McCarthy road.

The Candidate of the Third Party is, of course, Hillary, and private server protests be damned! She believes (and I sadly concur) that inspired miscues like the server are exactly what will get her elected. “In diminished times, the most diminished shall lead.”

I hear some people actually say that she might be indicted. What? What level of Stephen Glass fantabulism are you dealing in when you think Hillary Clinton will ever see jail time in this country! No one is above the law…except the Clintons. The yield on her play has a better chance of being the White House rather than the Big House.

And I think you kinda know it…or at least are fearful of it. It’s tough to admit it to yourself but you do kinda know it, don’t you? Well, you must psychically earthquake-proof yourself! Live your life inside out! Don’t go into the common areas of contemporary American life and look for validation. It’s not there! It tipped! It might return somewhere down the road but the catalytic factors that you even have to consider to envision that are too disconcerting.

The log is in the flume. Don’t try to ditch out of the log, look for a rear center seat and a plastic poncho and stay as dry as you can. Disengagement from the political process is beyond liberating, it’s…it’s happying! Life is grand…a joyous blessing…your spouse…your kids…nature’s splendors…a great meal…a good flick. Imbibe in all of it…but do not gaze upon the doings of the Third Party…Lot’s Wife and all that.