WWE Hall of Famer, Wrestlemania 'Battle of the Billionaires' winner, and one-time Monday Night Raw “owner” Donald Trump has chosen Linda McMahon to head the Small Business Administration. McMahon is the wife of WWE's Trump-like boss, Vince McMahon, with whom the president-elect partnered over the years to create some entertaining situations in the squared circle that we can now watch with amazement, given Trump's current status.
For decades, Linda McMahon occupied a central role at the helm of WWE, making it the multi-million dollar, international company it is today. Her business experience will no doubt be useful in her role in the forthcoming Trump administration.
That's all well and good, but it's clear what the more pressing concern is: with Trump bringing McMahon into the White House, the floodgates are now open between Washington and WWE headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut. This begs the question: what other positions in a Trump administration will WWE superstars fill? America needs to know.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Mick Foley. Forget Tom Price - there could be no better choice than the man who has suffered a slew of in-match injuries, seemingly to his own perverse amusement. To get thrown off the cage in Hell in a Cell, choke-slammed through the roof onto the mat below, and body-slammed onto thumbtacks - while breaking teeth, being concussed, dislocating and breaking bones, and having internal bleeding - and to still finish the match is exactly the type of resilience we need to take on the lingering problems of our healthcare system.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Sgt. Slaughter. A Marine Core drill instructor at Parris Island and former World Heavyweight Champion, Sgt. Slaughter is a force to be reckoned with and will absolutely not take “no” for an answer. The Veterans Administration could sure use someone like him to get it functioning properly.
Secretary of Transportation: Ric Flair. The “jet flyin', limousine ridin'” veteran of the good life will assure that everyone gets to travel in style and those airlines keep their baggage fees to a minimum.
Secretary of the Treasury: 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted DiBiase. One of WWE's most iconic villains, he's “rich in ring prowess, flush with technical skill, and extremely well-off when it comes to wrestling ability.” Wearing a diamond-encrusted, self-awarded 'Million-Dollar Championship' belt and a dollar-sign adorned suit does not happen by accident when you know that “everyone's got a price.”
White House Press Secretary: The Rock. 'The Great One' has the best mic skills of any superstar past or present; he even refers to himself in the third person. His authoritative presence in the ring is matched by few. When “The Rock says” shakes the walls of the West Wing, the press pool will learn to know their role and shut their mouths.
Ambassador to China: Chyna.
Office Of National Drug Control Policy: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Is alcohol a drug? If Stone Cold says so, then it is. But the ravenous beer-drinker won't do much to curb it - why would he? He'll drive to the ring in a beer truck and spray the crowd with it. He's a man of the people. What more do you want?
White House Chief Of Staff: Paul Heyman. He is WWE's most notorious talent manager, adviser and promoter. He'll do Trump's dirty work and quell the rivalries that'll spring up between the Press Secretary and Secretary of Defense.
Secretary of Defense: Hulk Hogan. When his music hits you'll hear “I am a real American” - and all those who seek to harm America will get weak at the knees. They wouldn't want the Hulkster to do to them what he did to Muhammad Hassan at Wrestlemania 21.
Secretary of Labor: Big Boss Man. He would handcuff his defeated opponents to the ropes after matches and beat them up with nightsticks. If anyone goes on strike for 15 bucks an hour, they'll have to reckon with the Big Boss Man. Nobody wants that.
Office Of Public Engagement: John Cena. He's booed, he's cheered, but everyone knows his face. Cena has expanded WWE's reach to the younger generation in immeasurable ways. Whether you like or hate him for it, what matters is that you're engaged.
Environmental Protection Agency: The Hurricane. He's got a lot of talk, but when it comes down to the big matches, 'The Hurricane' just doesn't come through against the big guns. He's a lower mid-card, after all, and odds are in Trump administration, he won't have better luck getting his way.
Secretary of Energy: Diesel. In the 1994 Royal Rumble, Diesel tied a WWE record by eliminating seven men - all consecutively. If that's not a true measure of efficiency, I don't know what is.
Attorney General: Goldberg. Not only does the former Atlanta Falcon have a solid reputation in the locker room, he's got the in-ring credentials to back it up. Who wouldn't want to be represented by someone with a 173 match win streak? His clients would get tired of winning case after case and would tell him, “Goldberg, please, it's too much winning, we can't take it!” But he'd fire back, “No - we have to keep on winning, we need to win more and more.” And that's exactly what he's done in the ring.
Department of Agriculture: Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The scraggly, mountain-man look of the winner of the first Royal Rumble has this white-collar office job written all over him. He'll come to meetings bare-chested, swinging around his 2 x 4 picking fights with the Million Dollar Man.
Department of the Interior: Jake 'The Snake' Roberts. This icon, who's known for bringing live king cobras and pythons to the ring in a knapsack and wrapping them around his defeated opponents, has firsthand experience with managing wildlife and natural resources.
Office of Management and Budget: Irwin R. Schyster. I.R.S. is billed as a tax collector from Washington, D.C. who will scold you if you don't “pay your fair share.” He joined forces with the Million Dollar Man to form the tag team, “Money, Inc.” - a powerful alliance that may very well form behind closed doors in the Trump administration.
Secretary of Commerce: JBL. John Bradshaw Layfield's persona combines a rich Texan with a slick Wall Street financier; he'll arrive to work in his limo with a rack of longhorns on the hood. His slick style of negotiating mirrors fellow Texan, Lyndon Johnson (LBJ), and will be an asset negotiating trade deals.
Secretary of State: The Undertaker. Persuasion is paramount when you're meeting foreign heads of state. The Deadman has a way of saying as little as possible but still getting the point across with more gravity than anyone else could. He's intimidating, he's been in the game since 1991, and he's the top dog in the locker room. No one will command more respect when walking into the U.N. than him - he's got an entrance that matches his repertoire.
While all this gets decided, you can be sure that as each superstar jockeys for position, the chaos behind-the-scenes is more intense than anything we've seen on pay-per-view. To make the best decision, President-elect Trump might need to judge the talent in person via a long overdue return to the squared circle...