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WWE Hall of Famer, Wrestlemania 'Battle of the Billionaires' winner and one-time Monday Night Raw “owner” Donald Trump has chosen Linda McMahon to head the Small Business Administration. McMahon is the wife of WWE boss Vince McMahon, with whom the president-elect partnered over the years to create some amusing situations in the squared circle that we can now watch with a sense of amazement and confusion in light of Trump's current status.
For decades, Linda McMahon occupied a central role at the helm of WWE, helping to squash competition and turn it into the multi-million dollar, international company it is today. Her business experience will likely be useful in her forthcoming role.
McMahon's selection for the post may warrant further inquiry given the relationship between her husband and the president-elect, but there's clearly a more pressing concern here. As the link between the nation's capital and WWE headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut has never been stronger, the ultimate question now is: who's next? The American people need to know.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Forget Tom Price — there could be no better choice than the man who has suffered numerous in-match injuries, seemingly to his own perverse amusement. To get thrown off the cage in “Hell in a Cell,” choke-slammed through the roof onto the mat below, and body-slammed onto thumbtacks — while chipping teeth, being concussed, breaking bones, and suffering from internal bleeding — and to still finish the match is exactly the type of resilience we need to take on the festering problems of our healthcare system. Look no further than Mick Foley.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: A Marine Core drill instructor at Parris Island and former World Heavyweight Champion, Sgt. Slaughter would deliver a swift kick in the rear to the V.A.'s extended wait times and to anyone who makes excuses for subpar care for those who have put it all on the line for our country.
Secretary of Transportation: The “jet flyin', limousine ridin'” veteran of the good life will assure that everyone travels swiftly and in style. With Ric Flair at the helm, our airports will employ only the best air traffic controllers and our highways could very well see a 20 mile-per-hour jump in speed limits.
Secretary of the Treasury: He's “rich in ring prowess, flush with technical skill, and extremely well-off when it comes to wrestling ability.” 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase sports a diamond-encrusted, self-awarded 'Million-Dollar Championship' belt and a dollar-sign adorned suit — accessories that don't appear by accident when you know that “everyone's got a price.”
White House Press Secretary: He boasts the best mic skills of any superstar past or present, and his authoritative presence in the ring is matched by few. The fact that he routinely refers to himself in the third person is a testament to his refusal to fold under questioning. When “The Rock says” shakes the walls of the West Wing, everyone in the press pool will learn to know their role and shut their mouth.
Ambassador to China: Chyna.
Office of National Drug Control Policy: Is alcohol a drug? Only if Stone Cold Steve Austin says so. Don't worry — the ravenous beer-drinker probably won't launch Prohibition 2.0. After all, he once drove to the ring in a beer truck and sprayed the crowd. A true man of the people. What more do you want?
White House Chief of Staff: WWE's most notorious talent manager, adviser and promoter, Paul Heyman will gladly do Trump's dirty work and quell the rivalries that'll surely spring up between the The Rock and the Secretary of Defense.
Secretary of Defense: When his music hits, you'll hear “I am a real American” — and all those who seek to harm America will shake at the knees. They wouldn't want Hulk Hogan to do to them what he did to Muhammad Hassan at Wrestlemania 21.
Secretary of Labor: After defeating his opponents, he would handcuff them to the ropes and take swings at them with nightsticks. So if anyone goes on strike for 15 bucks an hour, they'll have to reckon with the Big Boss Man. Not even the baddest CEO wants that.
Office of Public Engagement: He's booed, he's cheered, but everyone knows his face. John Cena has expanded WWE's reach to the younger generation in immeasurable ways. Whether you like or hate him for it, what matters is that you're engaged.
Environmental Protection Agency: He's got the talk, but when it comes down to the big matches, The Hurricane just doesn't come through against the big guns. He's a lower mid-card, after all, and odds are in Trump administration, he won't have any luck getting his way.
Secretary of Energy: He tied a WWE record in the 1994 Royal Rumble by eliminating seven men — all consecutively. If Diesel's performance is not a true measure of efficiency, what is?
Attorney General: Not only does the former Atlanta Falcons linebacker have a solid reputation in the locker room, he's got the in-ring credentials to back it up. Who wouldn't want to be represented by someone with a 173-match win streak? His clients, tired of winning case after case, would tell him, “Please, it's too much winning, we can't take it anyone!” But he'd fire back: “No it isn't — we have to keep winning.” And that's exactly what Goldberg's done in the ring.
Department of Agriculture: This scraggly, mountain-man winner of the first Royal Rumble has this white-collar office job written all over him. Hacksaw Jim Duggan will come to meetings bare-chested and in muddy overalls, swinging around his two-by-four picking fights with 'The Million Dollar Man.'
Department of the Interior: Famous for bringing live king cobras and pythons to the ring in a knapsack and wrapping them around his opponents, Jake 'The Snake' Roberts no doubt has firsthand experience managing wildlife and natural resources.
Office of Management and Budget: Billed as a tax collector from Washington, D.C. who will scold you if you don't “pay your fair share,” Irvin R. Schyster, or I.R.S., once joined forces with 'The Million Dollar Man' to form the tag team, 'Money, Inc.' — a powerful alliance that may very well form behind closed doors in the Trump administration.
Secretary of Commerce: His persona combines a rich Texan with a slick Wall Street financier; John Bradshaw Layfield (JBL) will come to work in his limo with a rack of longhorns on the hood. His slick style of negotiating mirrors that of a famous fellow Texan, LBJ, and will be an asset as he helps develop only the best trade deals.
Secretary of State: Persuasion is paramount when you're meeting foreign heads of state. The Undertaker has a way of saying as little as possible but still getting the point across more effectively than anyone else could. He's intimidating, he's been in the game since 1991, and he's the top dog in the locker room. No one will command more respect when walking into the U.N. than him — he's got an entrance that matches his repertoire.
While all this gets decided, you can be sure that as each superstar jockeys for position, the developments behind-the-scenes are more intense than anything we've seen on pay-per-view. To ensure he makes the best choice, President-elect Trump might ultimately have to judge the talent in person by way of a long overdue return to the ring...