Well, it was bound to happen: After wading into the culture wars via a deal that saw Transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney as a spokesman for Bud Light, Anheuser-Busch tweeted a kind-of-sort-of-apology letter — and it went over about as well as a warm, flat version of its best-known product.

We don’t know what prompted it. Maybe it was the bad press from conservative media or the near-immediate backlash and boycotts from Middle America. Maybe it was Kid Rock spraying bullets at two cases of Bud Light in a viral video.

Maybe it was the brand’s marketing head saying she wanted to get away from the brand’s “fratty” image toward something more inclusive. Or maybe it was the pictures of said marketing head engaging in some pretty “fratty” antics of her own during her time at exclusive Harvard University.

Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth may have choked over the “sorry” part in the Friday apology letter, but it was pretty clearly an apology, with the CEO saying that he tries to make sure “every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew.”

This response pretty much summed up the general feeling regarding the mea culpa:

However, we took the time to helpfully rewrite the pitiful Bud Light apology letter, titled “Our Responsibility to America” — because we’re nothing if not helpful here at The Western Journal, and Kid Rock has already taken enough shots at their swill.

Here’s the letter in its entirety. The original will be in bold, our, ahem, creative rewrites will be in italics:

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Original: “As the CEO of a company founded in America’s heartland more than 165 years ago, I am responsible for ensuring every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew.”

Re-write: “As the CEO of a company founded in America’s heartland but now owned by a soulless Belgian conglomerate that controls the production of over a quarter of the beer produced in the world, I am responsible for ensuring our ESG score remains high without losing too much money and market share in the process. But, sometimes, when you don’t know when to say when and you’ve had, um, a few too many of our products, something seems like a good idea on paper when it really isn’t, you know? I’m not saying that’s exactly what happened with a recent social media campaign involving a certain Transgender “influencer,” but … well, you know.”

Original: “We’re honored to be part of the fabric of this country. Anheuser-Busch employs more than 18,000 people and our independent distributors employ an additional 47,000 valued colleagues.”

Rewrite: “Also, jobs! We give people lots and lots of jobs in the United States. You likey-likey jobby-jobby, don’t you, blue-collar Americans who I’ve been told are the kind of people that drink Bud Light? (I wouldn’t drink the swill myself and prefer a good claret, but I’m told it does the trick if you’re not a C-suite type and need to watch your expenses.)

“Also, I’ve been told a recession is coming by all reliable sources. So if you likey jobby, don’t shoot yourself in the foot, blue-collar America; the soulless Belgian conglomerate we’re a part of controls over 80 percent of the beer market in Bolivia and I have no qualms outsourcing as much as possible to the perfectly resourceful, considerably cheaper folks in La Paz. Like the board might threaten to do with my position if this doesn’t blow over soon. Understood?”

Original: “We have thousands of partners, millions of fans and a proud history of supporting our communities, military, sports fans and hard-working Americans everywhere.”

Rewrite:

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Original: “We never intended to be part of a discussion that divides people. We are in the business of bringing together over a beer.”

Rewrite: “OK, so let’s get to the nitty gritty here: We paid influencer Dylan Mulvaney to promote our beer. Then footage resurfaced of Bud Light’s VP of marketing on a podcast two weeks prior saying that ‘Bud Light had been kind of a brand of fratty, kind of out-of-touch humor. And it was really important that we had another approach.’

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“That approach involved wading knee-deep into the culture wars and rubbing it in the noses of Bud Light drinkers who don’t think people can just pick their own gender in our performative wokeness. What we basically said was: What are you gonna do about it, America? Huh? Yeah, that tone didn’t go over super-well. We probably should have focus-groupped that one a little bit more.

“If that wasn’t bad enough, then pictures resurfaced of said VP  and her time drinking heavily as part of a very fratty-looking club at her exclusive Ivy League alma mater, a club that The Harvard Crimson described as a ‘haven of inebriated ditzes.’ Woof.

“I can’t tell you that I’m sorry for buying into the self-hype of a transgender who makes a mockery of womanhood, because hell hath no fury like an LGBT keyboard warrior scorned. However, it only takes about 10 of those to get you fired. Meanwhile, Twitter isn’t real life and real life involves people not buying our beers at the moment. So I have to say something, right?

“Thus, consider this a non-apology apology. If you’re angry that I’m not explicitly apologizing, take this as a dog-whistle apology. Nudge nudge. Wink wink. If you’re angry that I’m apologizing, meanwhile, where do you see me explicitly apologizing anywhere in this letter? Huh? That’s what I thought. I’m just clarifying ‘Our Responsibility to America.’ Seriously. Disregard the first part of this paragraph. It doesn’t exist.

“Also: Please be assured, none of our fratty Ivy League executives consider Bud Light drinkers to be fratty state college plebes. Assuming you went to college or are a college- or fratty-identifying individual. Does that cover all our bases? Are we good?”

Original: “My term serving this country taught me the importance of accountability and the values upon which America was founded: freedom, hard work and respect for one another. As CEO of Anheuser-Busch, I am focused on building and protecting our remarkable history and heritage.”

Rewrite: “Let me remind you again, we are patriotic. We don’t mean to divide anyone in this country — at least, when they notice. We thought you weren’t paying attention to this whole Dylan Mulvaney character and that it was settled opinion that you can choose your own gender. This is what happens when you actually believe the piffle that gets spoken in your own DEI training sessions, apparently.

“So, let me assure you again: We’re as American as apple pie, ‘The Star-Spangled Banner,’ baseball, ‘fratty’ behavior, the VFW and Johnny Cash. We’re in no way ‘woke.’ Until you flyover-country people stop paying attention to this, then we’re going to send Jane Fonda over to Hanoi to pose atop an anti-aircraft gun with a six-pack in order to build the brand in Southeast Asia.

“Wait, I didn’t just type that, did I?”

Original: “I care deeply about this country, this company, our brands and our partners. I spend much of my time traveling across America, listening to and learning from our customers, distributors and others.”

Rewrite: “I care deeply about not being ousted. I spent much of the last week or so doom-scrolling on social media and realizing that was becoming a very real possibility, judging by the vitriol this campaign unleashed. Please don’t let that happen. I have summer homes to maintain.”

Original: “Moving forward, I will continue to work tirelessly to bring great beers to consumers across our nation.”

Rewrite: “Moving forward, I will continue to work tirelessly to learn what nature considers a man and a woman, and then to learn when the left forbids you to mention those basic biological facts. Moreover, I’ll make sure future ad campaigns avoid any of this muck. Pinky-swear, America.

“As for making great beers — have you tasted Bud Light? Do you really think we’re reaching for greatness here?”

Sure, Brendan Whitworth’s original words may go better with the woke public relations folk at AB InBev, the massive conglomerate that makes Bud Light. However, just like Dylan Mulvaney is a man passing as a woman, it was spin pretending to be the truth. Through the help of a bit of creative rewriting — no humorous flourishes applied, I assure you — I think I’ve done a more admirable job presenting the facts.

You’ll get my bill in the mail, Mr. Whitworth. Rest assured, it’ll be cheaper than whatever that fratty Harvard gal was charging you.

This article appeared originally on The Western Journal.