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Opinion

Two Men Think Electric Vehicle Will Make Great Getaway Car… Then the Battery Starts Running Out

I’ve never claimed to be a criminal mastermind, but I’m pretty sure that one of the first items on my “day of” list for my first bank robbery would be “gas up the getaway car.” Honestly, I don’t feel like you need to be…

IJR Syndicated·Mar 13, 2023·3 min read

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I’ve never claimed to be a criminal mastermind, but I’m pretty sure that one of the first items on my “day of” list for my first bank robbery would be “gas up the getaway car.”

Honestly, I don’t feel like you need to be a criminal mastermind to remember to include that detail in your nefarious preparations — some sort of “criminal average-mind” ought to be sufficient to that task.

So what term to use for the two Georgia jokers who failed to make sure their escape vehicle had enough juice to allow them to, you know, escape … well, I just don’t know what to call them. The only terms that jump to mind are ones my mother wouldn’t approve of.

According to Atlanta’s WAGA-TV, Gwinnett County North Precinct officers were called to the scene of the alleged Theft of several gaming systems from an unidentified local store.

When they arrived, witnesses apparently told them the perpetrators had fled in a Tesla.

By the way, the station didn’t report the date of the Crime, and even the Gwinnet County Police

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Two Men Think Electric Vehicle Will Make Great Getaway Car… Then the Battery Starts Running Out — IJR

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only referred to it as “recent” in a March 5

🐦Tweet

, so your guess is as good as mine as to when this occurred. But since Teslas didn’t go into production until 2008, it’s safe to say all of this happened at some point within the past 15 years.

OK, so far, so good, right? Electric vehicle manufactures regularly brag about the range of the products because of even-increasing battery life, so Bonnie and Clyde (not their real names, which also have so far not been released) should have been well on their way to safety in Athens (Georgia, not Greece) or Rome (Georgia, not Italy), or maybe even Cairo (you get the point by now).

Or … maybe not.

You see, whatever range an electric vehicle may have, it only has that range when you charge the battery before trying to make your getaway.

When you don’t charge up first, the result is often a Tweet like this one:

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Officials told WAGA that the two were spotted not far from the scene of the Crime, where they had stopped to charged the Tesla.

Like I said: not masterminds.

In addition to the stolen gaming systems, Police found “several firearms two pounds of what officials believe is Marijuana” in the possession of the suspects.

I know they’re going to test the recovered substance for certainty, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if law enforcement officers “believe” they’ve found marijuana, they’ve found Marijuana. I’m willing to bet they’ve encountered the substance once or twice in their professional lives.

And if these two wannabe Lex Luthers didn’t have some sort of substance in their systems, then they really have no excuse for how poorly they executed their alleged wrongdoing.

This article appeared originally on The Western Journal.