Come As You Are
The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
Emily Nagoski · 2015 · Relationships
13 min · 11 chaptersNarrated in your voice
What it's about
Emily Nagoski argues that women's sexuality is not broken or deficient compared to some male standard, but simply variable, governed by a dual mechanism of sexual excitation and inhibition that differs from person to person. Drawing on sex research, she reframes low desire, arousal nonconcordance, and context sensitivity as normal variation rather than dysfunction, and argues that context, not willpower or pharmaceuticals, is usually the lever that changes a stalled sex life.
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1 days · done Sun, Oct 18
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Start a circle and share the code — everyone sees everyone's honest place in the book. Accountability, not leaderboards.
Who it's for
- Women who have been told their low or inconsistent desire is a problem to fix - Partners trying to understand why sexual interest doesn't work like a light switch - Therapists and educators who want a research-grounded alternative to pathologizing female sexuality
What’s inside
- 1The Dual Control Model1 min
Sexual response is governed by two separate systems, an accelerator that responds to sexual stimuli and a brake that responds to reasons not to be aroused, and most sexual problems come from an overactive brake rather than a weak accelerator.
- 2Same Parts, Different Arrangement1 min
Male and female genitals develop from the same embryonic tissue and differ only in arrangement, not in kind, which undercuts the idea that female sexual response is a lesser or incomplete version of male response.
- 3Arousal Nonconcordance1 min
Physical genital arousal and subjective feelings of being turned on are only loosely correlated, so a wet or erect body is not proof of wanting sex, and a dry or unresponsive body is not proof of not wanting it.
- 4Context Is Everything1 min
Desire depends less on a person's fixed sex drive than on the immediate context, meaning the same person can want sex enthusiastically in one setting and feel nothing in another without any change in underlying libido.
- 5Emotion, the Stress Cycle, and Completing It1 min
Sexual desire is entangled with the stress response, and unprocessed stress, not just situational stress, can suppress desire unless the stress cycle is deliberately completed rather than merely removed at the source.
- 6Body Image and Self-Criticism as a Brake1 min
Negative body image and internalized shame function as a direct sexual brake, so learning to interrupt self-critical thoughts during intimacy is a legitimate treatment for low desire, not a separate self-esteem issue.
- 7The Cultural Message Called the Sex Critic1 min
Much of what feels like a personal sexual problem is actually an internalized cultural verdict about how women's bodies and desires should behave, and that verdict operates as an inherited brake rather than a fact about the individual.
- 8Metamorphosis and Nonlinear Change1 min
Sexual wellbeing changes through irregular, sometimes destabilizing transitions rather than smooth improvement, so setbacks during the process of change are expected evidence of progress, not signs of failure.
About Emily Nagoski
Emily Nagoski holds a PhD in health behavior with a doctoral focus on human sexuality from Indiana University, where she trained at the Kinsey Institute. She has taught women's sexuality courses and worked as a sex educator and wellness director at Smith College, translating clinical sex research for general readers.
